How to survive a cesarean: part 3

I awoke for the 2 time since my doctor had told me I was in desperate need of an emergency cesarean. Maybe it was the 3rd or 4th but after being so exhausted and surviving a very scary surgery, I felt as though my brain was being filled with clouds coagulating my sanity and memories into puffy mush. I looked around this insanely small room. I don't even think it was considered a room because the rooms on either side of my "room" we're divided by curtains. What the fuck? Where was I? And where in the hell was my baby. I kept asking the older nurse who was giving me a horribly painful sponge bath where my baby was. Where was my Lily? They kept telling me she was in the special care nursery but I kept asking. Minuets ticked away at the clock as the nurses pushed on my stomach and cleaned blood from my body. I didn't even care that I was was laying in my own blood, sweat and amniotic fluids that broke a day before, all I cared about was when I was going to meet my daughter. I was in so much pain and I asked for more pain medicine and then For lily, more medicine and for Lily. I felt like a prisoner in this tiny room. Like I was an insane patient asking the dear nurses the same questions. My epidural acted as its own hell of a straight jacket. The last thing I recalled from the surgery was passing out because I thought I was having a heart attack. That was around 8:58am when Lily was born. It was almost noon. Before I could freak out I heard a familiar voice that soon had been put with a familiar face that was pushing an unfamiliar cart with the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on. I was meeting my daughter. She was here and I was never going to let go. My mom carefully placed Lily in my arms. The act that had freaked me out seemed so natural. I hugged and kissed her. I was very upset about the way my birth plan crumbled before my eyes but despite the pain I went through and am still going through I know that surviving a c-section is as simple as the love for your child. Lily is the reason I was strong enough to go through that horrifying experience. Not a moment went by during those 28 hours that I didn't stop and think about why I was facing my fears. That c-section proved that I could put another's life before mine because of love. I can be in excruciating pain because of love. I survived a c-section because I love.

How to survive a cesarean: Part 2

As I looked around the OR at all the different medical staff hovering over my body trying to catch a glimpse at the gory cesarean being performed I began to cry. Pictures of my little garbanzo bean, Lily Evelyn, we're flickering across the OR ceiling. I've been waiting 9 months & 28 hours for her to be in my arms. Why am I being put through all this? woman labor for less then 13 hours and then 10 min later they push their baby out. Why can't I experience that? Why was I being robbed of my beloved experience? 
Before I knew it I awoke again. I was still shaking and my teeth were so sore. "when are you going to be done?" I asked my doctor hesitantly. 
Suddenly I felt the worst sensation in the world. It didn't hurt because the drugs I was on but i could feel every bit of pressure from them pulling on my skin, stretching my lower abdomen open. And at last I felt this wave, like an ocean wave hitting you in the face. Like the drop on a roller coaster. I felt like this weight was lifted off my chest. I didn't hear a scream but I knew they had gotten her out of me. I cried out and demanded to see her. I saw her go a quick second and they rushed her over to the table 5 feet away from me. That was extremely too far! I haven't been that far away from her in 9 months. They need to give her to me, I thought. My mom let go of my hand to go take a peak at her granddaughter but ultimately (as I later found out) to block my view of the machines they were hooking my daughter up to. 
I lifted my arms off the table and tried pushing myself up. I was ready to see my daughter. "are we done here?" I asked, my eyes glued on my daughter. 
"No, about 30 more minutes. I have to close you up." my doctor replies and I rested my head down.
"my heart Is beating too fast!" I exclaimed. "I need to get out of here!" 
Everyone kept reassuring me that I was okay but I felt like I was going to die. I couldn't breathe. I felt like someone had injected an overdose of speed into my heart. My heart rate was in fact decreasing. The last thing I saw before I passed out was that bright light. I couldn't believe that this was how the magical day my daughter was born had turned out.